Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Teen Sex: Let’s Talk
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Misstropolis’ Culture column this week will introduce a new blog written by Abigail Jones and Marissa Miley, authors of Restless Virgins: love, sex and survival at a New England prep school. The two Milton alums set out to explore the sexual and social culture that gave rise to the infamous hockey players’ fellatio scandal of 2005. Restless Virgins follows the lives of several students during the 2004-05 academic year, revealing the pressure cooker – social, academic and peer – that high school kids today face, one in which sex becomes the ultimate status symbol for the 00’s. Jones and Miley discuss the genesis of the book and its reception below. Susan Graage
When Restless Virgins came out six weeks ago, it opened a window on the social and sexual pressures teens face today, and on what it’s really like to be in high school. Readers of all kinds took notice, and our book received critical recognition. From a substantial review in O, the Oprah Magazine by Elaina Richardson, to high praise on the Today Show, and to thoughtful discussions on numerous television and radio shows, Restless Virgins has been seriously recognized for shattering the silence on the realities of teenage sexuality today.
When we began the book over two years ago, we sensed there might be controversy down the road. There was the topic: teenage sex. The locale: Milton Academy, a “tony” prep school. And us: two young female writers — and Milton graduates. Yet we had to write Restless Virgins, because the topic was too important to ignore. We saw that something had changed since we were in high school. And the Milton scandal, where a 15 year-old girl performed oral sex on five varsity hockey players in their locker room, was symptomatic of a shift in teen culture that begged for more context and understanding.
But the serious national response to the book conflicted with a Boston response, in which Restless Virgins somehow became all about the Milton scandal. This reawakening of a local incident, however much we sought to understand it within a specific context, has not been easy for some readers.
We’ve been buoyed by the national response to our book, though surprised by the indifference other critics displayed who claimed that teenage sex is neither new nor newsworthy. Restless Virgins is not just about a scandal, nor is it just a prep school story. And it’s about more than the sex teens are having; it’s about their motivations and regrets, their hearts and minds — not just their libidos. Teens today are engaging in both casual and extreme sexual behavior, and many of the students we interviewed were confused and regretful about what they were doing.
So we wondered, when will teens’ sexual and social experiences become newsworthy — when 11 year-olds are performing oral sex? Well, that’s already happening. When 11 year-olds are having anal sex? We’ve been asked many questions since our book came out, but the most important one was this: What can we do?
We wish we had a magical solution. Instead, we have over two years immersed in teenage life, listening to girls and boys talk about their experiences. Here are some thoughts.
It’s time to talk about sex. As intangible as this sounds, it’s the only way to get the ball rolling. Moms and dads, teachers and mentors — in short, everyone needs to start talking. Not just about condoms and birth control, but about expectations and decision-making. About why girls feel it’s so much easier to perform oral sex on a guy than receive oral sex — or why it’s easier than just saying no. About why some boys feel so entitled to disrespect girls and treat them as sexual objects.
Over the course of our interviews, one girl realized she regretted performing oral sex on a guy who didn’t like her or call her enough. One boy realized he should have treated his girlfriend better. These girls and boys wanted younger teens to learn from their mistakes. They also wished they could have talked with adults about their social and sexual experiences.
There are millions of teens out there with stories that have yet to be heard. If you’re a parents, coach, older sibling, or any other type of adult with a relationship to a teen, it’s a safe bet that that he or she wants to talk, too. We’re ready to continue discussing and questioning. But we can’t do it alone.
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Comments
Hi Abigail and Marissa,
I have a friend who’s 15 year old daughter thinks that blow jobs are practicing “safe sex.” What are some other comments that you have heard from the teenage girls and boys about blow jobs?
Wow. I haven’t read your book, but am looking forward to it. This is a tough subject, and, I agree, one that needs to be TALKED ABOUT! Thinking about the sex acts being performed by pre-pubescent bodies makes me cringe. Yet, I know this was all happening when I was in high school (Noble and Greenough, ‘90)—in the halls, in classrooms . . . I was afriad of all of it when I was a teenager, and would have REALLY benefitted from having an adult to talk to—but I think a non-family member would have been best. I hope your comments here spark some conversation among parents (which I am not.) Thank you for the article and the book! Marty
What I’ve read of the book seems to focus on the public display some kids make of sex, but wouldn’t you say that these girls are often just taking control of the situation rather than letting the fear of the unknown(sex) control them?
Thanks to Marty for the encouraging support, and to Blair and Alison for two great questions.
Blair, many of the teens we interviewed considered oral sex to be “safe”—definitely safer than sex—because it wouldn’t lead to pregnancy or, in their minds, STDs/STIs. (Obviously they’re wrong on this second point.) They also didn’t think oral sex constituted “sex.” For many girls and guys, oral sex was casual and no big deal, just a few steps away from kissing. Interestingly, these same students did not view oral sex on a girl in the same way. Most guys thought the act was “gross” and “sloppy,” and most girls felt it was too intimate to do with someone they hardly knew. We did interview one girl who felt that performing oral sex was more intimate than having intercourse, but she was certainly in the minority.
Alison, while we’d love to believe that these girls were, as you say, “taking control of the situation” rather than letting the situation control them, this is not what we found in our research. Girls who were involved in public sex acts, whether by kissing other girls in front of guys or engaging in sexual behavior with multiple partners, often did so to pleasure guys, not themselves. As we said above, reciprocation was rare. And many of these girls wanted to feel sexually empowered (like Samantha Jones in Sex and the City), when in reality, they had little interest in their own sexual pleasure. They wanted to impress the guys and satisfy their needs.
Your reference to “fear” is an interesting one, though. Why should girls, fearful of sex, have sex at all?
Abigail and Marissa
It’s amazing, but in reading the book I keep getting the impression that the girls and guys are much more fearful of rejection from inclusion in the in-crowd than of the repercussions of having sex. Even those kids who admitted that their upbringing and moral code screamed “don’t do it!” wanted to “do it” because they thought it would buy them a place at the right lunch table. This is utterly terrifying and alarming to me, the parent of three girls who I try to raise with a strong core of confidence. The characters in your book are exemplary kids. They are above average in almost every way; and yet they are not able to draw upon any inner confidence to help them say “no way am I doing that just to be popular” or if they do, they hate themselves for it.
Abigail, Marissa, and anyone else out there, what can we do as parents to build the voices of our kids to be strong enough to say forgetaboutit! Do you think its media related- do you think tv, the web and movies create role models that are stronger than parental guidance? Or do you think kids are just looking for more extreme ways to rebel since kissing doesn’t do it anymore? Am I even asking the right questions?
Help!
Robin
Great observation about the need to belong, Robin. I think you’re right on the money. When we turn the equation around and ask what we can do to dissuade teens (especially girls) from this behavior, I arrive at the same conclusion: media. How much is their behavior mimicking music videos and “Girls Gone Wild” and where else would they get the role models for what they’re doing? Also, where are the boys getting the “values” that have them egging this behavior on rather than turning away in disgust? (Please don’t use the “hormone” copout!)
I remember when I used to watch Sex in the City with my roomates on Beacon Hill in the mid- 1990’s when we were in our late 20’s and conversing that it did NOT accurately depict what we were doing sexually as young adults, living on our own with good jobs in a major, metropolitan city in th United States. THEN, I learned that Sex in the City was most popular show not in the 20 something age group but in the girls 16-18 yr old segment.
Abigal and Melissa, the girls in your research that do not engage in this overt, desensitized sexual behavior...what sets them apart and how does their mindset differ from those that do, assumming they’re all exposed to the media?
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