Tuesday, August 26, 2008
40, A Lot Like 39 So Far
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May, 2007 – Today it dawned on me: I’m turning 40 in eight months. Holy shit!
And who am I - a forgetful, neurotic, day-dreaming, self conscious, chronic dieting, hate my fat ass, “out-of-the-box” creative artist, wife, and mother (translation: an adult woman with ADHD) who, given a chance, would compete for a gold medal in obsessing over things I can’t control. Holy shit.
Luckily, 10 mg of Ritalin helps me with the forgetful part, but only between the hours of 9:00 to 3:00. After that, I return to my daydreaming, multiple-silent-conversations-with-myself, forgot-what-I went-to-the-pantry-for, oops-I-burnt-dinner-again-because-I-got-sidetracked-on-another-project… self. I also have an 10-year old son with ADHD, a 7-year old who in addition to ADHD, is sprinkled with Asperger’s, and a husband who, well, who deals with us all. Together we live in something of a zany comic strip and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But still 40 terrifies me. I decide finally, to take control.
I announce my solemn vow to be 40 and fabulous, NOT 40 and flabby. I call Weight Watchers and weigh in at 127lbs. That’s not so bad, I think. Forget about 40 and Fabulous… Only ten pounds less and I’ll be 40 and FERGALICIOUS.
June – I’ve gained 3 pounds (now 130lbs) cause I’m not counting all the bites, licks, and tastes. Quit Weight Watchers, and after seeing a Nutri System commercial, decide that’s the way to go.
July – Thanks to Nutri System, I’ve been farting something fierce. I swear to eat only salads, and hire an ex Marine as a personal trainer to whip my ass into shape.
August – I’ve gained three more pounds (now 133 lbs) but how? I evaluate the situation: spending the summer at the beach house with multiple family members, every night is a party - cocktails and apps on the deck. I tell myself, and everyone around me, that I’m putting the stinky cheese out for my husband. Each evening at least five hunks spontaneously leap into my mouth. The relatives rarely sit down for dinner before 9:00pm; full from appetizers, I eat a big plate of food anyway. Just when I think it’s over, Aunt Ruth enters the dining room with five vats of frozen yogurt. I persuade myself, Yogurt is healthy, and indulge some more.
September - Home and ready to get into a normal eating routine. HA! Rejoin Weight Watchers and quit after a week. There’s no questioning my ADHD. Start working out with a trainer, named Jo, who looks like Barbie with a tan. Loose 3 pounds (now 130lbs), and convince myself that if I work out hard enough, I can look like Barbie with a tan too. I leave the gym in pain twice a week, and take up boxing once a week with Frankie D, Jo’s boss, who dances in front of the wall-to-wall mirrors. The thing about wall-to-wall mirrors is: no matter where I go… there I am. There’s no way to hide my fat ass, everyone else in the gym can see it too.
October - Three months to go until the big 40. I spend four weeks trying not to eat Halloween candy. Continue working out with Jo on Mondays and Wednesdays, and beating the crap out of Frankie D on Fridays. I start dancing in front of the wall-to-wall mirrors too. I loose three more pounds (now 127lbs) and realize I’m back where I started in May! I come to see that time is of the essence, and secretly start researching lipo suction - a 40th birthday present? Jo tells me a nightmare story about a friend who did lipo and gained the fat back in weird places- only to end up looking like the Michelin Man. I abort the lipo fantasy.
November - We visit my brother in Tennessee for Thanksgiving. All bets are off. Gain three pounds (now 130lbs) and spend the rest of the month researching Michael Thurmond’s “Six Week Spa Body Makeover,” in Santa Monica, California. There’s a small complication with this brilliant plan… I live in Massachusetts, and I’m married with two kids. Hmmm, I think, I could do it over the summer and manipulate my sister into doing it with me. She lives in California. My kids can move in with hers (her husband won’t mind). Get teary-eyed when I think about not seeing Hal and kids for that long. Drop the Six Week Spa dream and reconsider the lipo-scenario, but only for a few minutes.
December – One month to go. Still working out with Jo and beating the crap out of Frankie D. I don’t lose a damn thing.
January, 2008 – Still the same fucking weight. Christmas and New Years didn’t help… neither did Jenny Craig. I complain about my weight to my friend Rebecca, explaining (in psychotic detail) my eight-month effort to become FERGALICIOUS. Rebecca says, “From what I can tell you’ve never been happy with the way you look. It’s not like you’re going to wake up one day and have a different body. Why don’t you just learn to love the one you have?”
I both hate and love her for saying that. The love outweighs the hate. “Can’t you see?” Rebecca continues, “You’re already FERGALICIOUS!”
The next morning, I’m 40! The day starts as usual. I put on a pot of coffee and wake up my son. He eats breakfast, and heads off to school with my husband. Then I wake up my other son, start his breakfast, pull out my giant multi vitamin and his 27mg’s of ADHD meds. I swallow his pill by mistake.
And life stops for a moment.
I freeze. I panic. I knew turning 40 was going to be a life-altering event, but not so literally mind-altering. I shout, “Shit, shit, fuck, fuck!”
My son says, “You’re not going to have a happy birthday if you talk like that.”
My life is flashing before my eyes. Sprint to the bathroom and try to remember how I made myself throw up as a bulimic teenager. After several failed attempts, I remember I was only a bulimic wannabe. I call my doctor’s emergency line and get the nurse on the phone.
She says, “What are you so scared of? Don’t you take meds for ADHD too?”
“Yes, but only a third of his dose!”
“Davina,” she barks, “if your eight year old can handle it, so can you. What are you, three times his weight?”
Doing the math: 55 lbs x 3 = 165 lbs… 165 lbs – 127 lbs = 35 lbs calms me down, until I realize the nurse thinks I’m fatter than I am! “I am only twice his weight… Plus 17 lbs,” I say.
“Well, you’re not going to die you’re just going to be really focused,” she says smugly. I hang up the phone relieved, but just waiting for the inevitable heart attack.
So much for control. The good thing is… I forgot I was 40. It feels a lot like 39.
Comments
Ohmygawd! Can I ever identify? I am still wiping away my tears of laughter. Are we all ADHD? Or is it just me? Even after reading Ms. Beacham’s hysterically human piece, and realizing there are others out there like me, I am still feeling unique.
You remind me of my sister! Very funny. Sounds like your son had good advice. Hope you ended up enjoying your birthday.
Davina,
You describe self-induced insanity well! We can all relate to the crazy inner voice within that is begging to stay young and battling to stay thin. I think if women were running the planet we certainly would have discovered a way to preserve our flawless teen skin and svelte muscle tone before we ventured to the moon and back. The bad news is that aging is unstoppable and much better than the alternative.
Your piece is very funny!!! I can’t wait to hear about the rest of your approaching birthdays!!! Thank you… Since laughter is suppose to burn calories and wipes away years… I am a bit younger for having read your piece!
Well all I can say is you could be turning 70 like I will this year, instead of reaching the Big 4-0! I loved your story and laughed until my “tummy” hurt. I believe alot of woman will relate to your story. From 40 on most of us woman will go up and down and up and down again in weight. I have done it many times. We are never satisfied with our bodies, are we? I agree with your friend, Rebecca, who said “just learn to love the body you have”, but it is not easy.
I LOVE IT!! It is just like when I turned 30 (except without the kids). Does that mean I have to go through this agonizing weight thing every decade? Help.
You are very good looking wife/mother to even convince people your a 40yr old women. You are as young as you feel! Loved the article..... I think we all have a little ADHD in us, although people might not want to admit it
I loved your honesty! Every “normal” woman can relate to these feelings and I think the ADHD is probably the sign of a very intelligent person. Happy Birthday!!
Oh my God! I can totally relate to this story. What a wonderful description of those chaotic moments all mothers experience. The process of aging is never easy, but to be able to laugh at it makes it so much more enjoyable. I am sending this link to my friends who I know will all relate to this story. I’m so glad you chose to share your inner voice with the outer world, it made for a delightful read and a delicious recess from reality. Time to go back to folding laundry!
Hi Davina , You are funny, funny ,funny . You remind me of me at your age . Tust me, it gets better as you grow older . Hang in there . Believe it or not you are wonderful just as you are . xxoo , Carol
Hi Davina , You are funny, funny ,funny . You remind me of me at your age . Tust me, it gets better as you grow older . Hang in there . Believe it or not you are wonderful just as you are . xxoo , Carol
Davina ! love the article, I cracked up all the way through, your too funny. I sent it to my mom who will be 44 sept 15th but still looks years younger. But she will get a kick out of this! your friend was definatly right and if I’m 127lbs when I’m 40 I’ll be extremely happy! I can’t wait to see what else you have in store and it was so nice meeting you and your family this summer !
What a riot. You say what so many women only think. You made my day. Keep writing. I want to hear more.
This piece was forwarded to me by my coworker...I’m going to have to thank her.
I can identify with you so much! I am constantly worrying about my weight (among other things)...what woman isn’t at some point in her life? If it isn’t 1 of your kids, its the dog or your neighbor or whatever! For me something is always off. Just reading this reminds me that all I am is human & I can only do so much to make my life how I truly want it to be...weight & all!
Thank you Davina. You are truly inspiring!
Brilliant! I still have a big grin on my face. What woman can’t identify, mom or not? Thanks for sharing your personal story and helping to take the stigma out of ADHD.
Don’t you just hate it when someone tells you something you already know or fear? It is comments like your son’s that make me swear even more. Of course when I do this, I tell myself this is not a Mortal Sin, because I am not swearing “grievously” – How can anyone with ADHD swear grievously, when they’re already thinking about something else?
Until I read your article I didn’t have a name for it, but I always wondered if others experienced similar “Multiple-silent-conversations-with-myself”. Thanks for the label and the article!
B.W.H. – ADD (With an occasional “H”)
Ps: I find that cloths dry quicker if you hang them on exercise equipment.
WOW!!! I am like a kid in a candy store reading all these comments.
To be honest, I was a little weary about submitting this story, because it is so revealing. However, I felt strongly that I was not the only freak who thinks this way. I thought, perhaps, there was someone else out there who could relate. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that I was right. So far, from what you all are saying, the age range of this rare form of chronic dieting/silent-conversations-with-myself dementia is between the ages of 30 and 70.
Thank you ALL for your honesty and humor… “PS: I find that cloths dry quicker if you hang them on exercise equipment.” OMG That was hysterical. Of course I am assuming you meant clothes instead of cloths. The thought of loincloths hanging on a treadmill kept running around my mind. Forgive me please. This is the way my mind works. I can’t help it. Either way it was funny.
FYI… I do make a conscious effort not to swear around my children. If they get a time out for using potty language, then so should I. Unfortunately, I could not help myself that day, as my life was flashing before my eyes, and the F and S bomb was all I could say.
BTW… ADHD is just part of who I am. I fully embrace it, and believe it helps me be creative and out-of-the-box. My boys are wonderfully ADHD. They are bright, caring, funny, inventive, and very imaginative. It’s a good thing my friends. It’s a good thing.
Davina,
What a hoot! It reminds me of when we stayed up in that hotel Marriott trying to rehearse our silly presentation for CHADD, and you were pretending to be the buzzer (times up)! Continue to write, and let me know when I can find that book of yours. ADHD parents need to find humor in order to stay sane, and you make me laugh!
--Julie Igram
Davina, Keep writing! Your story was hysterical! And only true things are funny!
Davina:
Thanks for the comic relief. It is refreshing to read such an article of what many of us have as unspoken thoughts.
A friend mentioned to me this summer as he turned 50 that it is the new 40. So turning forty must be the new 30! Just to let you know 40 was a good year for me.
All the BEST to you!
Cheers,
Jane
What a gas! Your honesty is inspiring. Your humor relieves the insanity we go through as we age. Having turned 40 last year… I couldn’t relate more. Thanks for your entertaining article!
I laughed til I cried reading this article. I can relate totally to the part of taking my son’s meds by accident. Only I did weigh three times or more than my son at the time! The weight thing has been a drag for me for years, but in the last three years have dropped 90 lbs plus. And still, unfortunately, have more to go.
Exercise. I think that is a dirty word. But I do try and believe me trying to exercise and not look like a soaked mop at the end is very difficult--impossible perhaps.
So to be my most fabulous, I wear purple, even though I am not old (Like that old poem I will wear purple when I am old), I put my hair through a cap to keep my blonde hair and hide the gray,and I laugh and smile so those wrinkle lines stay the hell off of my face. Now I have recently seen crow’s feet ever so slightly around my eyes. Screw it, make up will hide it! I will just “keep smiling” as a wise old farmer once told me to do.
Your sister sent me this. I really enjoyed the nostalgic look back at turning 40.
Hi all,
Michelle,
Wear purple to look thinner??? hmmmm, never tried that trick. It would be a nice change from black, though. That is so inspiring that you lost 90 lbs. I know exercise is a dirty word, but don’t you feel so good afterwards? You must be so proud of yourself. As depressing as it is for me to admit, every picture of me from this summer has crows feet jumping off the page. I have been practicing a new crow-foot-free smile in front of the mirror (did I just say that out loud?). We will see how the next batch of family photos looks.
Julie,
I agree 100%… “ADHD parents need to find humor in order to stay sane!”
Jane,
“turning forty must be the new 30"… wouldn’t that be nice!
OMG, seriously. I turn 40 in December and I have been hyperventilating since I turned 38. And, by the way, I have also put myself on the “I’m-going-to-look-Fergalicious/like a porn star minus the fake boobs/like Jillian Michaels” diet and exercise regime too. And approximately one year in, I look like myself. Still.
However, that entry made me howl! Thank you.
Davina,
“Double D’s” sent this to me (aka your sister). Hilarious! I love you Perl girls!
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