Tuesday, August 26, 2008
40, A Lot Like 39 So Far
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May, 2007 – Today it dawned on me: I’m turning 40 in eight months. Holy shit!
And who am I - a forgetful, neurotic, day-dreaming, self conscious, chronic dieting, hate my fat ass, “out-of-the-box” creative artist, wife, and mother (translation: an adult woman with ADHD) who, given a chance, would compete for a gold medal in obsessing over things I can’t control. Holy shit.
Luckily, 10 mg of Ritalin helps me with the forgetful part, but only between the hours of 9:00 to 3:00. After that, I return to my daydreaming, multiple-silent-conversations-with-myself, forgot-what-I went-to-the-pantry-for, oops-I-burnt-dinner-again-because-I-got-sidetracked-on-another-project… self. I also have an 10-year old son with ADHD, a 7-year old who in addition to ADHD, is sprinkled with Asperger’s, and a husband who, well, who deals with us all. Together we live in something of a zany comic strip and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But still 40 terrifies me. I decide finally, to take control.
I announce my solemn vow to be 40 and fabulous, NOT 40 and flabby. I call Weight Watchers and weigh in at 127lbs. That’s not so bad, I think. Forget about 40 and Fabulous… Only ten pounds less and I’ll be 40 and FERGALICIOUS.
June – I’ve gained 3 pounds (now 130lbs) cause I’m not counting all the bites, licks, and tastes. Quit Weight Watchers, and after seeing a Nutri System commercial, decide that’s the way to go.
July – Thanks to Nutri System, I’ve been farting something fierce. I swear to eat only salads, and hire an ex Marine as a personal trainer to whip my ass into shape.
August – I’ve gained three more pounds (now 133 lbs) but how? I evaluate the situation: spending the summer at the beach house with multiple family members, every night is a party - cocktails and apps on the deck. I tell myself, and everyone around me, that I’m putting the stinky cheese out for my husband. Each evening at least five hunks spontaneously leap into my mouth. The relatives rarely sit down for dinner before 9:00pm; full from appetizers, I eat a big plate of food anyway. Just when I think it’s over, Aunt Ruth enters the dining room with five vats of frozen yogurt. I persuade myself, Yogurt is healthy, and indulge some more.
September - Home and ready to get into a normal eating routine. HA! Rejoin Weight Watchers and quit after a week. There’s no questioning my ADHD. Start working out with a trainer, named Jo, who looks like Barbie with a tan. Loose 3 pounds (now 130lbs), and convince myself that if I work out hard enough, I can look like Barbie with a tan too. I leave the gym in pain twice a week, and take up boxing once a week with Frankie D, Jo’s boss, who dances in front of the wall-to-wall mirrors. The thing about wall-to-wall mirrors is: no matter where I go… there I am. There’s no way to hide my fat ass, everyone else in the gym can see it too.
October - Three months to go until the big 40. I spend four weeks trying not to eat Halloween candy. Continue working out with Jo on Mondays and Wednesdays, and beating the crap out of Frankie D on Fridays. I start dancing in front of the wall-to-wall mirrors too. I loose three more pounds (now 127lbs) and realize I’m back where I started in May! I come to see that time is of the essence, and secretly start researching lipo suction - a 40th birthday present? Jo tells me a nightmare story about a friend who did lipo and gained the fat back in weird places- only to end up looking like the Michelin Man. I abort the lipo fantasy.
November - We visit my brother in Tennessee for Thanksgiving. All bets are off. Gain three pounds (now 130lbs) and spend the rest of the month researching Michael Thurmond’s “Six Week Spa Body Makeover,“ in Santa Monica, California. There’s a small complication with this brilliant plan… I live in Massachusetts, and I’m married with two kids. Hmmm, I think, I could do it over the summer and manipulate my sister into doing it with me. She lives in California. My kids can move in with hers (her husband won’t mind). Get teary-eyed when I think about not seeing Hal and kids for that long. Drop the Six Week Spa dream and reconsider the lipo-scenario, but only for a few minutes.
December – One month to go. Still working out with Jo and beating the crap out of Frankie D. I don’t lose a damn thing.
January, 2008 – Still the same fucking weight. Christmas and New Years didn’t help… neither did Jenny Craig. I complain about my weight to my friend Rebecca, explaining (in psychotic detail) my eight-month effort to become FERGALICIOUS. Rebecca says, “From what I can tell you’ve never been happy with the way you look. It’s not like you’re going to wake up one day and have a different body. Why don’t you just learn to love the one you have?“
I both hate and love her for saying that. The love outweighs the hate. “Can’t you see?“ Rebecca continues, “You’re already FERGALICIOUS!“
The next morning, I’m 40! The day starts as usual. I put on a pot of coffee and wake up my son. He eats breakfast, and heads off to school with my husband. Then I wake up my other son, start his breakfast, pull out my giant multi vitamin and his 27mg’s of ADHD meds. I swallow his pill by mistake.
And life stops for a moment.
I freeze. I panic. I knew turning 40 was going to be a life-altering event, but not so literally mind-altering. I shout, “Shit, shit, fuck, fuck!“
My son says, “You’re not going to have a happy birthday if you talk like that.“
My life is flashing before my eyes. Sprint to the bathroom and try to remember how I made myself throw up as a bulimic teenager. After several failed attempts, I remember I was only a bulimic wannabe. I call my doctor’s emergency line and get the nurse on the phone.
She says, “What are you so scared of? Don’t you take meds for ADHD too?“
“Yes, but only a third of his dose!”
“Davina,” she barks, “if your eight year old can handle it, so can you. What are you, three times his weight?“
Doing the math: 55 lbs x 3 = 165 lbs… 165 lbs – 127 lbs = 35 lbs calms me down, until I realize the nurse thinks I’m fatter than I am! “I am only twice his weight… Plus 17 lbs,“ I say.
“Well, you’re not going to die you’re just going to be really focused,“ she says smugly. I hang up the phone relieved, but just waiting for the inevitable heart attack.
So much for control. The good thing is… I forgot I was 40. It feels a lot like 39.
Comments
Terri,
What is this “Double D’s” business? The Perl Girls are Tripple D’s all the way. Tripple D, baby, Tripple D is in the house!!!
Sick, I know… but true.
I haven’t seen 127 lbs since I was 14! Such a funny story. Anyone that says they can’t identify with this story in one way or another is a big fat liar!! Loved it!
Davina,
This is absolutely hilarious… although on my 40th birthday was when I told people that I was pregnant - so I had an excuse for my fat ass… however, that’s no longer the case and it keeps following me around.
Thanks for making me laugh today! I can definitely relate.
Dear Davina:
Be gald you have a ten year old son. My ten year old daughter is 4’11 all legs like her father and weighs all of 70 pounds. I have been trying to lost 10 pounds for the past three years and as a doctor it should be easy…yet its not..Also be grateful its ADHD meds and not many others my patients take. EVERY mother can relate to this story..by the way my 87 year old father just told a friend of mine I turned 35 and they believed him!!! Tell your sister Chris Bunin says hi and thanks for sharing, I really enjoyeed knowing I am not the only one who had too many cocktail hours on the boat this summer!!
Always,
Chris
Hi Davina,
This is Lisa Abrams from Gunnery (‘87). Thanks so much for sending this - it is hysterical!! I turn 40 next July and have been thinking a lot about it. I’m also really engaged in the battle of the bulge - seems like the past year my body has really changed, and not for the better! I started a blog, though haven’t been good about updating it, but the address is http://www.lisasmusings-mn.blogspot.com.
Are you on Facebook? There’s lots of Gunnery folks on it - that would also be another way to get your story out there.
Take care and I’d love to catch up more when you have a chance.
Hugs to you,
Lisa (Lops)
Davina;
You crack me up!
I could see this as a one act monologue. So very funny and so very real. What mom isn’t ADD? Soooo much to remember and sooo much to do. How can we focus when we are constantly multi-tasking? Your husband is a lucky guy with all that creativity around him. Keep up the good writing.
I love this idea… Maybe I will take my gig on the road… but where would I go??? I think I am better on-line than on-road. I am cooking up a new wacky story for Misstropolis, so stay tuned! Might not be in for a couple weeks though. I am still winding down from the frenzy of back to school. The good thing is… I started working out with Jo and Franky D again… so my crazy routine is back.
Thanks again for all your support and funny comments. I love it!
Davina
http://www.davinaperlbeacham.com
Hi Davina,
Haven’t seen you and I wondered if you were writing… you certainly are. Keep up the brave, honest, naked, gritty work of telling the truth - just say it like it is, Davina! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
As much as I loved the story it would have been alot funnier if I didn’t aspire to be only 133lbs! I failed the weight watchers as well as ordering this green tea crap in the mail of which I never tried nor even had the energy to mail back.. I’m 165lbs and feel like a whale. I weigh the same as when I delivered my first baby.(and she was born at 10lbs 14oz!) God help me !!!! I must say though it’s nice to know I’m not alone in the stress department.. I’ll be 40 in June 2009. :o(
Davina,
Elise read me this story the other day and we were both rolling with laughter. It is good to see that years of children, marriage and life in general has not knocked out your fantastic sense of humor! You really made my day, week, oh, lets just say the whole month-
Keep smiling and writing!
Mags
To quote my son’s girlfriend’s father, “Adderol should be in the drinking water”. I couldn’t agree more. However, I’d be afraid that it would just allow me to focus more on my severe dislike for my flabby ass and thighs! Loved your article and at 43, its still alot like 39. One good thing about turning 40, its the age when I stopped caring about what anyone else thought. So there’s a milestone. My daughter got that at 2 yrs old and my son at 16. Just took me a little longer!
Thanks for the laughs.
P.S. I swear purposely in front of my kids so that I can give myself a timeout!
Davina, LOVED it!!! This was forwarded to me by a friend of one of your college friends. She said to hold my belly while I read it, because I’d laugh so hard. She’s right! More than that…this piece is so perfect…who needs therapy when we have girlfriends to tell us that we all are normal & are dealing with the same crap - just in a different house & change the names! AND I keep telling myself that I’m going to have Madonna arms…3 kids later…gym membership…many videos purchase…personal trainers etc…my arms still wave back at me. Now, count me as a new fan. Thanks for the laugh! ~julie
I think I just peed my pants.
Linda,
When you give yourself a time out, does it involve a sudsy bubble bath? Or… do you go into the linen closet with a bottle of vodka???
Julie,
LOVE the image of your arms waving back at you… I might have to use that in one of my pieces… of course I will quote you… My son once tried to box my under arm flab… which I wasn’t aware that I had until he started slapping it around joyfully.
Last year, every time I picked up my son, George, from school we would do a mini race to the car. I always pretended to be out of breath and let him win. One day he said to me, “Ya know Mom, if you lost a little weight and started exercising, you might beat me one of these days.“
I rarely let him win anymore… just kidding. Kids say it like it is, though.
too da loo for now,
Davina
AKA: DDD (Tripple D’s)
Davina, thanks for reminding me we’re all in this thing together! What a comfort! Great story, great laughs! Can’t wait for your next one!
Still Laughing…
This was terrific! I am still laughing. Give my the lipo information when you get it.
you are so funny!! I miss you and so glad you sound so happy. I just got to reading your articles this morning and no joke—- i am getting my lower lids done at noon! Crazy! Of course it was planned just funny the timing.. life is good but i have jit a bit of a bumpy patch. Wwil work through it all the best!
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