Misstropolis

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Parenthood: It Keeps Getting Better

by Maxine Effenson Chuck

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I work in an office where there seems to be a mini baby boom. Every few months, someone else is becoming a first-time parent, and to all of these soon-to-be parents and new parents, my mantra is the same: “It just keeps getting better.” And it does.

As my kids were growing up, at first we celebrated the week by week, then the month by month accomplishments… until we helped guide them toward their next shining achievement. And even though the diaper bags got heavy, running around the playground got tiring, and the organizing and supervising play dates got hectic, I loved watching as the girls became more social and more skilled. It did keep getting better, even when it was exhausting and all-consuming.

For a while, it seemed to get easier, as we made it through the terrible twos (which really weren’t so terrible), then the frustrating fives (the first ‘tween years, between a budding vocabulary and the frustration of trying to read). And as each of our children took a step deeper into personhood, we reveled in their successes. In elementary school the challenges were fairly predictable, and the conflicts were routine. Our girls went to a K-8 school, so while the middle school years had some challenges, my husband and I were still calling the shots. The leap to high school has had many ramifications.

As we once again embark upon the high school years (our eldest, Elizabeth, is grown and out of college), we are reminded that while yes, parenting keeps getting better, the challenges have taken on a new dimension — many dimensions, in fact. As our younger daughter, Jennifer, becomes more reflective, more engaged with the world around her, she is also becoming so much more independent. Her questions are much more insightful as her world becomes more vast (translation: I need Google to answer some of her off-the-cuff questions); her sense of fairness is not always aligned with what my husband and I believe is fair; and my priorities for her (cleaning her room, picking up after herself) are often not hers. I try not to drive her crazy about getting homework done, yet I do. I try not to impose my value judgments on events and situations that do not involve me, and yet I do. So conflicts arise.

As we found when Elizabeth was growing up, and as we are finding now, there are parents who tend to feel that once their children enter high school, much of their work is done. They don’t seem to hesitate as they let their children roam the streets or hop on the T to Boston at night; we are not among them. It’s not that we have hard and fast rules, but my husband and I reserve the right to make decisions on a case-by-case basis depending on who Jennifer is with, how many people she’s with, etc. As my mother use to say to me, “I don’t care what Debbie’s allowed to do…” I am finding myself echoing those words that made me cringe.

I love who my children are becoming and I have enormous respect for each of them. There is nothing better than watching as the girls blaze their own paths. We no longer call the shots for Elizabeth, though she does still call us for our advice and/or support. Jennifer swears that she’ll never confide in us as much as her sister does. Maybe she will; maybe not. As long as we keep her safe and happy, that’s all that really matters. And whatever we are tackling, and no matter which challenge is most immediate, one thing is certain: the best is yet to come.