Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The Day my Kid Went Jessica
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Every parent worries about their young daughter as she comes of age. Does she have healthy self-esteem? Is she ready for dating? A serious relationship? Is she going to end up driving across the country in a diaper to assault a romantic rival?
Yes, preparing our children to emerge from high school as rational, healthy adults is a daunting task. We had it easier when we were growing up. We had the After School Special. Those glorious infomercials for post-pubescence provided simple, easy guides to the young person’s struggles. Smoking? Bad. Boys with fast cars? Worse. And while these shows weren’t exactly raising the bar on the quality of young adult programming, they never failed to provide an easy-to-swallow life lesson in the most uncomplicated manner possible. Consider some of the titles: The Boy Who Drank Too Much (1980), Please Don’t Hit Me, Mom (1981), and The Day My Kid Went Punk (1987). Does it get any easier than that?
But what about today’s young teen? Where is her after school special? Her role models? Her Helen Hunt pondering whether to skip class and drop some homemade acid in the hot surfer guy’s orange van? Sadly, today’s teen moral beacons are currently in rehab trying to figure out how to gnaw through a court-ordered alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet.
But all is not lost. Happily, a new breed of after-school specials for today’s generation is here! Every type of cringe-inducing teen girl behavior known to humanity has been thoughtfully packaged for you by the good people at MTV. One caveat: no moral will be explicated. This time around, the parental units will have to be a little more involved.
To begin, TiVo all episodes of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. (In a pinch, any Real World or The Hills episode will suffice.) Next, place emotionally-unstable teenager next to you on sofa. Finally, replay episode and wait for key moments of the show by placing index finger on the pause button. As the episode begins, you will be introduced to Jessica. Expect your daughter to display an initial attraction to this anti-hero. Jessica will most likely seem cool to your daughter. She’s good-looking and popular. She “dates” the cute boys in school. But her behavior is a one way ticket to, well, that diaper-drive down Route 66.
See Jessica fail to read signs that her romantic interest doesn’t value her as a person and is not interested in pursuing a real relationship. Watch as he ignores her pleas to talk about their relationship in favor of shooting baskets with his boys. And, just at that moment, when Jessica nods at this rejection, decides that she is being pushy, and patiently waits nearby for a conversation that will never happen, FREEZE THE SCREEN.
This is the critical moment. Explain to your daughter what is wrong with this picture. Really parse the doormat-like behavior. Perhaps discuss the possible thought bubbles occurring on the frozen image of Jessica’s deluded face. If you must, replay the scene over and over, a la “A Clockwork Orange,” until the message burrows deep into your teen’s brain. Have her repeat, “I will not be Jessica, I will not be Jessica.”
You have just given her a gift greater than any car or party ever featured on the diabolical My Super Sweet Sixteen.
And while Jessica provides perhaps the best example, you needn’t worry about which show or season to tape. They all contain Jessicas. And Heidis, Tessas and Audrinas. And the plot lines repeat endlessly each new season. Really, I cannot stress enough the glorious example of wrong behavior these shows provide to all teenage girls. It’s like “Scared Straight” without having to go to prison to hear the inmates tell their stories. Here’s hoping MTV realizes the public service it’s providing and names next season: “Scared Sane: The Real Orange County.”
The Golden Age of Childhood (Online)
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